the new day

photo: Heather Cisler Photography

 
I realize I'm long overdue for an update. It's getting much harder to find the time or energy to do much of anything outside of chasing a toddler. We're coming up on the "terrible twos", but I feel like we've been there for months now.

My last cardiologist appointment was January 20th which was a Wednesday. They did an echo and drew labs. The doctor said everything looked good, but I wasn't about to get my hopes up until we got the final report. Unlike at my last cardiologist where he just glanced at the echo and told me the results right away, this cardiologist sends the echo off for a thorough reading. I had to wait ALL weekend until I finally got the results in my email on Monday morning.

When I got the results, I didn't even know what to do. Have you ever received really good news and had no one around to tell it to? I was home alone (well, with Harper). I called Angela's phone, no answer. I called my dad's phone, no answer. My mom's phone...you get the picture. So then I resorted to texting. I didn't want to text my news, so I sent the ominous "call me" text that everyone hates. Finally my dad called back and I was able to share the good news. It seemed surreal. The brief message from the doctor seemed so clinical and matter of fact. I think they could have at least thrown in an exclamation point or smiley face. 

It has taken quite a while for the news to sink in. Recovered! My ejection fraction (EF) is at 60% (normal is 55-70) and the diameter of my left ventricle (LVEDD) is 4.7cm (normal is less than 6). I don't know if I'll ever completely feel alright again. Physically, I feel pretty great, but I think the emotional damage will take a while longer. I still worry all the time, but now I can at least counteract my anxiety by telling myself that I'm "recovered". I can go back to thinking that I'm overreacting, like normal. I'm still hyper aware of everything my heart is doing. I still feel the weird beat every now and then, but it doesn't make me panic as much now. I can do yard work and go for a walk without wondering who will be around to save me. It's an amazingly liberating feeling. 

I no longer feel like my immediate future is at risk, but I still wonder what this disease will mean for me long term. How many good years will I have before I start having problems again? For some people, the recovery is only due to the medications. My doctor feels that I should stay on my medications for life partly due to the length of time it took me to recover. But then, if I'd had this doctor all along, I don't feel like it would have taken so long. But there's nothing I can do about that now. I am fine taking medications for life. I can deal with the minor side effects. I've heard of so many women who have been taken off their medications and then relapsed. Once you relapse, it's not as easy to get your heart function back up again. I'll deal with the three pills a day and the $30 co-pays if it means I get to live. 

I've never been happier to be so normal.

Probably the biggest thing I have learned from this whole nightmare is that so many things just don't matter. What matters is being with the people you love. I don't need the biggest house or the nicest car, I just need a heart that beats and people to love. The things I used to care about two years ago seem so silly to me now. I feel as though I've been completely transformed as a mother, as a woman, as a survivor. I take nothing for granted. Every day, when Harper throws her arms around my neck and yells "mommy!" I know that all the pain and the fear have brought me to this point and I feel like everything will be okay. 

 

Harper will be 21 months old next week. Every day she blows me away with her wit and personality. I still dread having to tell her about this in the future. Not only do I have to explain what caused it (my pregnancy with her), but that she could have it too. She is at risk of developing PPCM herself if she gets pregnant. It kills me to think about her having to go through this fear and anxiety. I also don't want her to ever feel like this is her fault. She has, if anything, helped me to grow and heal.

So for now, I'm going to enjoy my life and worry about the rest when it's time. I will keep telling my story until everyone knows about PPCM. I am one of the lucky ones who was diagnosed right away and has reached a point of recovery. So many women are not as lucky. There are too many doctors and medical professionals that don't know about this disease and think we are "too young" or "too healthy" to have heart failure. PPCM can happen to ANY mother. If you are old enough to get pregnant, you can get PPCM. It also doesn't always happen with your first pregnancy, like mine did. Listen to your body, trust your gut. Don't be afraid to look for a second or third opinion. I believe that my second opinion doctor saved my life. 

I had the amazing opportunity to share my story and participate in the 4th Trimester Bodies Project. Check it out!